I’m pissed. I don’t seem to have my mental health figured out yet. I. I. I. Be of service. Fuck Off. Maybe you need someone special. Fuck Off, been there done that twice. Let’s just say the domestication process failed. In ’08, my most recent relationship/financial failure blow, Hi Honey we need to talk, less then a year after signing a document that made me legally liable for a dual income home that would then cost me 70k to become homeless, here is 70 please take my home, so I double down became part time homeless and worked extra shifts. Anyway, where was I. I guess it’s a long time ago now, to youngness anyway, I sat down with God after that blow out, and said God, you pick the next relationship I’m supposed to be in because I appear to really suck at this. I’m serious, put me in a room of good women, inside and out, who would be whatever a good partner is in a relationship, and when crazy worst case scenario match and encourage my stupidity, and I’m like heeey… would you like a house and car?

Needless to say it took a couple years but I finally got the message, thanks God, God chose me to be in a relationship with myself and God. I think we are in a 14 year, itch stretch, what ever they call it. It’s weird, while I have respect for geniune spirit and good transformative results which there appears to be in just about every religion, and sacred text, I don’t belong to any. I’m ok I’ve been studying the tao since I was 18 stoned on a couch and a compadre flipped me the book and said you should read this before I took another tok. It was a brain meld match for me and continues to be, probably the one book on this planet I relate to the most, and I’m such an isolate, I didn’t know for years later that most people don’t understand or relate to it. Ok, Ok, I’ll admit it, I also have buddha’s and imagas of Buddha everywhere, and lately I have been reading buddhist scholars, and it’s a good match for me. Religion on the other hand nope, there were times and phase where when I attended church and did the thing, but yeah no.

What am I saying.

At times I feel like this is it I finally have my brain and life by the balls and yippee do da. I was in a multi-year phase of that recently until about a month ago. A series of events, and interactions, honestly, leveled me. I’m crashed out. I haven’t rebooted. My usual daily routines time sun, etc, haven’t done, as they have so well for so many years recently. Something happens, something big happens, whatever, give it a day a week, and my daily routine, and shit passes and perspective returns, and the goodness inside and out continues. But not this time. I’m lost crashed out and devastated.

It’s weird. Because I’m still physically taking good care of my house and home, yet zero to no creative juices directions bubbles restoration, has popped lifted reconnected. I’m empty. Isolated, not returning calls, etc. So mentally spiritually I suck right now.